On April 7, I woke up an hour and 52 minutes late. On April 7, I experienced a thought that was not my own. On April 7, a light switch went off in my mind and it all made sense.
How do I remember this day so vividly? Well, this Tuesday was the first time I ever slept through a class. Let’s make that partially slept because I did arrive, but I was 45 minutes late. When I finally made it to my seat in that 8 a.m. class, my professor thought it was funny to talk about how I have never skipped class before. He is a goofy one and we spent about 10 minutes talking about my attendance. He said something that stuck with me. “Hey look guys, Kerigan is finally human.”
I hardly ever make mistakes like this one. He knew it as well as I did. But, I am very much human with foggy understanding and too much comparison. I don’t trust as much as I should and doubt rushes in. I am flawed with feelings of not being good enough and I fall into selfishness.
Before this morning, I had consistent thoughts that God was not seeing me as an individual. I clearly understood that God is God so he could see every single person as their own but I felt like a part of the crowd. I knew His loving presence was with me but I didn’t feel like it was an intricate gift for me. It was like I was being given a generic Hallmark card but I knew there was a hand crafted love letter addressed to me out there.I would look around during worship and see a room full of people with hands raised and feel like God was working in their lives overtime. If He loves them so much, how could He have enough love to share an equal amount with me? This discouragement wasn’t majorly problematic because I knew it wasn’t from Him. I recognized that I was choosing to believe false ideas.
On that Tuesday morning, an image-scene-type-thing popped in my mind directly before my eyes opened. It was strange because it was definitely not a dream even though I was technically sleeping. I’m not calling myself Saul who fell off of his horse and heard a loud voice or Mary who had a conversation with the angel Gabriel, but this moment was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.
Disclaimer: I went back and forth for weeks about if I wanted to post this because it is personal. I didn’t want to come off boastful or seen as not treasuring what God revealed to me on that day. Ultimately, I decided that if it helps one person out there, I want to share it, most of it. I left a few details out that I have chosen to keep between the big guy and myself.
The space was dark and I was standing in a crowd. Then a spotlight came on me and suddenly, I was the only one there. I was viewing this scene from above, looking down on myself in the light. It was so detailed, more than any dream I have ever had. And it was not something that I have ever pictured before.
This might sound ridiculous but I was physically smiling when I found myself laying in my bed and not on that stage anymore. Head on the pillow, eyes on the ceiling and smile from ear to ear. The whole thing was so so bizarre but an incredible epiphany. I didn’t even care that it was past 8:00 when I got out of bed because I had the clarity that He saw me. Everything I am, all the time.
That unimaginable event made me truly realize that God doesn’t miss a thing. Out of his billions of past, present and future children, He sees us each with so much distinction. Yes, his love is given to everybody but He does not compare any two souls. He calls you by name and knows you better than you will ever know yourself.
God is like Big Brother (any other 1984 fans out there?) but not creepy or invasive. That is probably the actual worst comparison I have ever made because the only thing God and Big Brother have in common is that they never take their eyes off you.
The Lord notices every detail, sees our intentions, knows our heart and can understand our worries when we fail to bring it to his feet. His grace outpours even when we continue to question His power. There is absolutely nowhere we can go where His love does not transcend.
God is not limited in any way. He is all-powerful (omnipotent), all-present (omnipresent) and all-knowing (omniscient). He seemed too big to care about me but that is exactly it! God is too big for me to understand how much He cares. His infinite ways are a complete mystery and we will go insane if we try to figure Him out.
“Lord, you have probed me, you know me; you know when I sit and stand; you understand my thoughts from afar. My travels and my rest you mark; with all my ways you are familiar. Even before a word is on my tongue, Lord, you know it all. Behind and before you encircle me and rest your hand upon me. Such knowledge is beyond me, far too lofty for me to reach.” – Psalm 139: 1-6.I don’t deserve to be in a spotlight with constant undivided attention on me. God doesn’t need to pay attention to me nor does He need me at all. But He wants me. The fact that I exist settles my mind. The fact that you exist because God loves you so much is an incredibly beautiful thing.
He wouldn’t have created you in your mother’s womb if He didn’t want to spend forever with you. He wouldn’t have given you breath if you were meant to blend in. He wouldn’t have died on that cross to save you if He did not persistently and passionately love you. The Lord always has His spotlight on you and it never burns out.